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I don't know if you know this, but occasionally (and I mean often here) I'm a bit hyperbolic. Shocking, I know. In the interest of trying to be a little less reactionary and a little bit more of a fully formed person, I will say this; I don't really think computers will cause the destruction of mankind.
I am no Luddite. I own a PC, two laptops, two smart phones, a tablet, and a few other gadgets. This is not to brag, merely to illustrate that I love computers too. But I also think there are some things that are not so great about the rise of computers. What follows is a list of woeful first world problems meant to make you feel guilty about reading this blog post, when you could be reading about truly important world issues [here, here, or here].
10. Incredible Waste of Resources
A question. How many computers and computer related electronics have you owned over the past twenty years? No, I'll even let you leave off the various gadgets. Just computers. How many have you owned over your life, only to discard like so much trash, when you upgrade to your new model? You mindless consumer. Did you know the world is running out of copper? "...the total amount of copper on Earth is vast (around 1014 tons just in the top kilometer of Earth's crust, or about 5 million years worth at the current rate of extraction)." [here] Five million years? Fucking hell, it might as well be next year! My robot body is going to need a lot of copper to run, and I'm not going to have any in five million years. Do you know why? Do you know what is used to make your endless supply of "new models"? That's right, mother fucking copper. I put new models in quotations because you're old enough to understand that "new model" is a marketing ploy. But then again maybe you're not, so I'll say it again. New model is a FUCKING MARKETING PLOY.
However, it's not just that the world is running out of copper, it's also that we are running out of places to store our collective garbage. If our garbage problem wasn't a problem already, computers and all their cast off accessories certainly helped make it a problem. Printers, monitors, keyboards, mice, joysticks, scanners, modems, routers, cables upon fucking cables (don't even get me started on proprietary bullshit cables *cough*Mac*Sony*cough*), hard drives, floppy disks, zip disks, CDR, DVDR, etc, etc. When historians look back, if there are any left alive after the coming global upheaval caused by global warming (or robopocalypse, take your pick), I hope it's in incredulous anger and contempt.
9. Identity Theft
Picture this scenario in the 1950's.
Bank Teller: Well I'm sorry Mr. Moneybags, we can't give you that loan. It says you already took out a loan for $1,000,000,000.
Mr. Moneybags: Well that's preposterous! I've never taken out a loan before!
Bank Teller: Says here you opened the loan in Florida, and then immediately flew to the Cayman Islands, where you live with a twenty something cabana boy.
Mr. Moneybags: But.... But... I'm right here. And while I do enjoy the service of cabana boys, I certainly wouldn't live in the Cayman Islands!
Bank Teller: I'm sorry sir but it's right here in my report. I'm going to have to place you under arrest now, as sodomy is against the law in this time period!
Can you picture that? If you said yes, you are a fucking liar. Know why? Because that style of identity theft didn't exist in that time period. The only identity theft that existed was when a bum would hit you on the head and steal your wallet and all forms of identity, only to be hit by a train (the rotter) and leaving you be arrested and thrown in a southern swamp prison*. Worst luck! The above scenario was unimaginable before the advent of the dreaded computer and Internet. Now it's the topic of many popular movies of today, that also serve as cautionary tales of the terror and damage computers can inflict on modern living. Surely you remember The Net (both movies and TV show), or Hackers (which had the audacity to make the evil scum of the earth hackers, the heroes!). If you haven't seen these movies, I suggest you watch them as they are prescient examples of computer turmoil in our end times!
8. Spam email
Not only has email bankrupted our lovely postal system, it has also destroyed the very art of letter writing. A pity to be sure. The more insidious aspect of email though is of course, spam email. Why would you want email about spam? We are all aware of how disgusting it is. We are aware it's not real meat. And yet day in and day out I get emails about the wonders of spam. Just sad that I spend more time reading about how spam will increase my penis size, or that spam just needs a little start up capital and then I'll get four times my initial investment, or that I should be outraged by whatever dumb thing (that isn't true) is being circulated by my bigoted aunt, than I do reading actual mail.
7. Viruses
It's not enough that I have to worry about my own health and pay to keep myself healthy. No, computers insist that I get an antivirus protection, spam watchers**, and other programs to make sure my computer doesn't get the fucking sniffles. I smell a scam. Just like real doctors. Then there are the virus makers. Why? Why the fuck do they feel the need to be petty vindictive little shits the world over? What exactly is in it for them? Other than the feeling of superiority I'm guessing they need, in order to feel alive, I can't think of what it accomplishes. As if real world terrorists weren't bad enough, now I have to deal with cyber terrorists as well. Fucking great. FML indeed.
6. Internet Trolls
Do I really need to make a case as to why this is a terrible scourge on society? One of the good things that computers have done is interconnectedness. If I so choose, I can have a nice chat with somebody in Japan, before we masturbate with our webcams. If I so choose, I can go onto a message board with someone from Istanbul, and set up a date and time to masturbate with each other over webcams. Also, if I want, I can go to Chatroulette and masturbate with a complete stranger from anywhere in the world! That is I could, until the dawn of the troll age. They are waiting in the dark recesses of the Internet waiting. You can find them usually in comment sections, message boards, and chat rooms, waiting to pounce. Is someone trying to have a brilliant conversation about the world cultures move towards inanity and myopia? SURPRISE! A troll has invaded your conversation with brilliant witticisms like "So and so eats cock!" or inflammatory speech like "The worlds problems can be solved with free market economies across international borders!". Conversation over. You have officially been drug kicking and screaming into a flame war. Who cares that the troll has since departed for other parts unknown to ruin someone else's day? Someone else has taken up his cause. You're not interested in rational discourse anymore. There you sit, heart sick and impotent. No on-line masturbation tonight. This is the curse of Internet trolls. Beware.***
5. Cafe Writers
Is there anything worse than going into a cofferey to get a relaxing cup of steaming hot liquid legal drugs, when you are suddenly confronted with the image of a a guy (typically white), with a scruffy patch of hair they pretend is a goatee on their chin, and a dreaded laptop. There they sit, writing. I shudder at the very thought. There was a time when writers were thoughtful enough to write at home, in private. Now they do it out in the open. Flaunting their "talent". Do they not understand how uncomfortable it makes everyone else? I just want some coffee, but instead I have to watch you struggle to decide if a random female character should be raped in act one scene two or in act three scene four of your Game of Thrones fan spec script. I mean, they don't take unsolicited scripts. That's not how the television industry works. It's kind of a rigged system. I should just forget about it.
Since the dawn of the PC there has been one thought at the front of everyone's mind. What does that mean for print? Slowly but surely print media is dying. How do you sleep at night knowing you have deprived thousands of people of jobs? How do you sleep with the knowledge of where there were once hundreds of acres of deforested landscapes, there are now new forests growing? Not to mention the that you are robbing an aging part of the population of their comforting newspaper. Your parents and grandparents don't know how to use a cell phone to read the news. What are they supposed to do? Watch Fox News? Jokes on you millennial, they already main vein that shit to their cerebral cortex! Then there are newspapers themselves. No one reads them! More jobs down the drain. Did you ever stop to think what you've done to publishing? In 2010 Amanda Hocking made over a million dollars selling e-books on her own! She didn't give have to give half of the money to a publisher just to be published. That's going against the natural order! Now it's a growing "trend" [here]. Despite the best efforts of some technological "visionaries" [here], e-book sales have continued to grow. If I haven't made my case yet, picture this ghastly scenario. All your books are in e-book form, you no longer have physical books taking up space, you no longer have book shelves (outside the stupidly electronic one), you no longer have to move them, and you no longer have a conversation piece. Also e-books can never replicate the ways books smell. I suppose you could spray them with this.
3. Destruction of the Film Industry
In case you haven't noticed, the film industry is in danger. It only made $7.3 billion so far this year [Here]. Who's to blame you ask? Pirates, that's who. Dirty thieving internet pirates. With movies being uploaded to torrent sites, movie companies can't compete. It certainly has nothing to do with the quality of the movies being produced. Or the cost of movie tickets. Or over inflated budgets on movies. No, it all comes down to pirates and their villainous pirating. As a wise man once said [here] "...It ain't no different than smashing a window at Tiffany's and grabbing [merchandise].". So you see, "stealing" movies really does hurt. Those poor movie executives are going to have to go from being super rich to just rich.
2. Destruction of the Music Industry pt.1 - Sales
Much in the way that computers have allowed for pirates to run rampant on the film industry, the music industry has also suffered. Gone are the days when music moguls made multimillions off the sales of someone else's artistic achievements. Now, just like the movies, they only make millions. Sad. Again, it's not because the albums being made today are in any way inferior to past times. It's not because of the cost of the product (CD, digital, vinyl - Take your pick). Or the over inflated costs of recording an album. It's all because of pirates and legalized piracy. What do I meant by legalized piracy? I mean websites/ services like Pandora, Spotify, or whatever service has sprung up like an unwanted weed that operate under the title "internet radio" and it's totally legal. Even though they are providing the same access as something like Pirate Bay. Listen to all you want streaming, and not pay a dime. Sounds an awful lot like piracy. Maybe it's just me. What do actual musicians think of these services? [here] Oh, I guess it's not just me. But those damned pirates! The RIAA will get them. Just you wait. Their not just going to prosecute single mothers, grandmothers, and small children. They'll find their modern day Blackbeard. Just wait. Any minute now.
1. Destruction of the Music Industry pt. 2 Autotune
The music industry has been under attack on two fronts. There is the fiscal side and then the autotune side. It started with Cher, as usual when anything bad happens. When her song "Believe" became a hit, it knocked down the autotune doors. It was now acceptable to be a bad singer and a pop star. It became chic for people to know you used a computer to make your voice tolerable. Can't carry a tune? Don't worry neither can 75% of modern popular "musicians". You too can be a star (here's looking at you Britney Spears, Katy Perry, most country singers, rappers who try to sing - Kayne West). The insidiousness of this particular computer program is all too clear. Soon there won't even be real people to fake sing to us. It will just be computer generated pop stars. Get out of here unique voices who refuse to bend to our robot sounding pop songs. "A human pop star?", our robot masters will laugh. How quaint. We have to be vigilant! We can't let this come to pass! We're humans, let's hear human voices! Before it's too late!
Fuck.
Editors Note: This article was contributed to us by Alister Simms. Aside from worrying about all the ways computers will destroy us all, he also writes about ducks. Please don't make any sudden movements and keep out of biting distance.
*If this scenario doesn't ring a bell, then you haven't seen "Sullivan's Travels", and that means you likely don't know the works of Preston Sturges, and that means I hate you. Reexamine your life and improve your tastes in cinema.
** Again with the spam! Do programmers live off the stuff? Why the obsession?!
***All joking aside, Seriously fuck internet trolls. Not cool.
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