C.I. Subsidiary: Horror Nights 2020: Week Two

I once read somewhere that buying a home is one of the 10 most stressful things you can do in life. After buying my first home this year, a year filled with unending terror, turmoil, and the Cheeto who shall not be named, I can say it's really not that bad. Oh it's bad. The searching. The bidding. The negotiations. The inspections. The graveyards the house is built on. The gruesome murders that took place in the house. Cultists performed ritual sacrifices in the attic. I mean what is a potential new home owner to do?

If horror movies have taught me anything, it's that dream homes are rarely what they seem to be. There's always some sort of Faustian twist just waiting to be discovered. I mean there is an entire industry dedicated to scare you out of buying a house. It's rare for apartment dwellers to be haunted or home invaded and murdered. but home owners are prime targets for that shit. The Conjuring, The Others, The Shinning, Poltergeist, Paranormal Activity, Burnt Offerings, The Strangers, The Changeling, The Grudge, literally 90% of slashers. The list goes on and on.

Luckily we haven't had any bleeding walls, no evil voices commanding us to kill, no demon dogs stalking the property, no murders trying to invade our house with creepy animal masks. Yet. We have had a tree fall down, a run over mailbox, and a sink that drains too slowly. Truly scary stuff. I think that's why haunted house movies don't really scare me all that much. The stories would end if the people just left the stupid house. The most easily defeated villain. Also Jen Kirkman said it best, ghosts are not scary and are the whiniest bunch of assholes. https://youtu.be/KTLv7aKxhXA?t=146

But as a newly minted homeowner, maybe the films will hold new meaning for me. New scares I might not have thought about. I have trees. Maybe they'll become possessed by ghosts and attack me. I have a crawl space, what if there's a gateway to hell under it? What if ghosts do something impulsive and paint my house a color I don't like? Tonight's features, The Sentinel (1977) and The Amityville Horror (1979), play on white adult angst, fears of commitment, and lack of control of the future. Or at least that's what I would say, were I trying to justify their existence as art. I have not seen The Sentinel, but any movie with Burgess Meredith, Chris Sarandon, Eli Wallach, John Carradine, and Ava Gardner has to be fantastic. I have seen The Amityville Horror ages ago, and the only thing I remember about it is that it's based on a true story that's not even remotely true. Talk about your fake news.

The worst part about all this is, I didn't even get to do the fun part of buying a house. I didn't get to throw a house warming party and get a bunch of free shit! Thanks a lot 2020. So in going with our theme, our menu for tonight is a house warming party Covid style.

For appetizers we have a lovely Spread of the Damned including your typical chips, humus, carrots, and baked pesto and cheese raviolis.